I had discerned the decision to start this blog 2 months ago because I had to make sure that this blog is not just a fun project based on impulsive feelings. I had to know whether me doing this blog was also a part of His will and a part of my calling. I found out after my decision discernment… It is.
It is now Day 1, and I am already afraid.
Keith Reinhard says, “Fear is paralyzing beyond reason.”
Fear of my inadequacy, fear of opening my heart, fear of judgement and criticism, fear of failure, an even bigger fear of public failure, and a fear of being alone, fear of losing friends.
A dear old friend of mine is an atheist, and as a firm disbeliever in God, she has her own blog too, only it is against the Bible and its teachings. Today, she first voiced out quite passionately that she is “bothered by me going to church” and she believes that “the world would be a better place to live in if people stopped supporting and stopped going to church.” Oh boy. She has very strong opinions about religion, and as her friend, I can respect that. I still love her. And because of that, I was hurt. As a believer in God and because I have strongly felt His presence in my life and I love Him, I was deeply offended. I understand that to her, Jesus is a stranger not our Saviour, but I wished she had shown some respect for our friendship with a little more tact. She didn’t.
This added more to my fear… And I am ashamed to say that today, it even shook me enough to think about not starting this.
But John Ortberg writes: “The choice to follow Jesus — the choice to grow — is the choice for the constant recurrence of fear.” Reasurring, isn’t it? Comforting even. “The fear will never go away. Why? Because each time I want to grow, it will involve going into new territory, taking on new challenges.” Susan Jeffers backs this up by saying, “The fear will never go away, as long as I continue to grow.”
I choose to open up my heart for this experience. I choose to grow. I am already a small person, exactly 5 feet flaaaaat in height. I don’t want to be small in spirit as well. I don’t even know how I shall start, and I don’t know how I will grow. But I do “trust the Lord with all my heart” (Proverbs 3:5) and even if I don’t know where this will take me, I still choose start. As Max Lucado writes, “Just do something, and see what happens.” This is just my something.