Let go. Let God. Let flow.
I was hoping to write about something on my experience during my week long vacation, but since exhaustion crept in and overtook me, I was forced to just rest. This delayed me from processing the whole thing altogether. I’ll take it as a sign from God that it isn’t time to process the experience yet, and that He still hasn’t finished with what he is trying to communicate to me. If I am stubborn and hard-headed and try to figure things out on my own now, the message will be half-cooked, and I will miss out on the main course. I will let my need to understand my experiences go; I will open my heart to listen to the Word of God and how he continues to communicate daily in my life, and I will let the Holy Spirit flow freely in me and through me and through whatever happens in my everyday.
Today I had surgery to take out the benign tumor near my lower spine. The operation itself was painless except for the first few needle pricks from the local anesthesia, and it only took about half an hour. I didn’t feel the blade of the knife as it was cutting me. I didn’t feel pain when they were removing and cutting away the tumor. But I felt the tugging. It was like they were forcefully pulling out and snipping away parts of my flesh. What popped into my head was a cartoon image of a tiny thumb-sized doctor playing tug-of-war with a rubber chicken toy from the cut in my back (the toy is a metaphor for the tumor). I tried to entertain myself because I was a little scared. After the operation was done, they informed me that they were stitching me up, and then they put (what looks like to me: a sanitary napkin) a bandage or dressing, on my back to cover the wound. They told me I’d feel pain, but I’ll have pain killers so there was nothing to worry about.
The pain killers don’t really work, but I take them anyway. Pain is a reminder. It keeps you cautious about areas that need time to mend, especially when there was something there that was cut away. The drowsiness from the anesthesia made me sleep all day again, but I don’t mind. This is vital for healing, and I know that it takes a while for a cut to heal.
On the eve of 2011, I told a group of friends that last year would be about healing. The healing has carried over still through 2012, and I think it will continue to move through each year that passes. Sometimes during prayer meetings and masses (and sometimes even on the train) I start to cry because of lines spoken by the reflector, prayers said by the prayer leader, a memory that has resurfaced, a current experience, or Words taken from the Gospel I have read or that have been spoken by a priest. The tears flow without my control, but I don’t try control them because I know they need to be shed. Sometimes I know the specific wound that is being healed because of my tears, other times it is all a bit hazy, but I know all tears shed mean that I am being touched by God. God had performed an operation without my knowing or feeling it, stitched up the wounds, and now the tears and pain are manifestations and/or aftereffects of His healing power.
1Time beats like God’s vast heart, expanding and contracting.
I imagine myself inside a chamber of God’s vast heart. I can feel the pain near my lower spine, and I acknowledge it. Then I look around and see empty space–the pain disappears. I see the stars and a vast Universe, expanding and contracting, as if breathing. I see the creation of the world. I see the world destroying itself and being renewed. I see it prospering out of the destruction and the people in it bearing fruit with the Holy Spirit. Then, I see the whole process repeating itself over and over again… and as I type these words I am trying to practice restraint yet I am being overcome by something else unexplained. Then suddenly, I am no longer in a dark space. I am in my bedroom with a pain on my lower back and my macbook on my lap.
I don’t know what God is trying to do in my life, but with the experiences He has laid before me, I know that this pain is vital and that these tears are vital for me to push forward into some kind of renewal. I know that these tears are shed not only because I am healing but because of love and forgiveness.
1I forgive the tears that I was made to shed,
I forgive the pain and the disappointments,
I forgive the betrayals and the lies,
I forgive the slanders and intrigues,
I forgive the hatred and the persecution,
I forgive the blows that hurt me,
I forgive the wrecked dreams,
I forgive the stillborn hopes,
I forgive the hostility and jealousy,
I forgive the indifference and ill will,
I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
I forgive the anger and the cruelty,
I forgive the neglect and the contempt,
I forgive the world and all its evils…
I will be capable of loving, regardless of whether I am loved in return,
Of giving, even when I have nothing,
Of working happily, even in the midst of difficulties,
Of holding out my hand, even when utterly alone and abandoned,
Of drying my tears, even while I weep,
Of believing, even when no one believes in me.
For 1anyone who knows God cannot describe Him. Anyone who can describe God does not know Him. The same is said about Love for 2God is Love. For anyone who knows Love cannot describe Love. Anyone who can describe Love does not know Love. Because 3to define is to limit. And who in their right mind would want to limit the Love that is of God?
4There is no remedy for love but to love more. And to love more, means for me to expand my boundaries, to challenge my limitations, to break down my walls, and to allow God’s amazing Love and grace to flow freely in me, through me, and beyond me.
Thank You, Father. I am ever grateful, for no words can describe Your Love, Your mercy and grace. Nothing in this world can match it. Thank You Lord.
1 Aleph, Paulo Coelho
2 1 John 4:8
3 The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
4 quote by Henry David Thoreu